If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
where are you?
Hypothermia
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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