in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
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i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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