the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
