she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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