It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
