apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I need to sanitize my soul.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
