Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm sobbing to NWA
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
