So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
