I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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