tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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