I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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