You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
