i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
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Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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