tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
