It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
