I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
