I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after