like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
