Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
