I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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