I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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