drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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