I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
