if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
