Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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