ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The uberlube is also flammable
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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