Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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