What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
