I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
