i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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