He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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