My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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