sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
