Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
