Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
