one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
