my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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