Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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