at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
