Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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