What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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