There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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