I met the friendliest cop last night
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
