I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Pants are for mortals
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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