My liver just broke up with me...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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