Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My cat gives me a boner
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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