you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
