I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
