She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
