i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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