eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
