We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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