mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize