Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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