I showed him my bush... on skype.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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