i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
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finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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