how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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