I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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