I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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